I just always wanted to be cool. My definition for such things has changed drastically over the years, but it doesn't really matter because I fail at it anyway. Everyone I know is just so fucking cool. I tried though. Maybe that's the problem, you can't be cool if you're trying to be cool? I should be cool right? I listen to good music. I listen to it before you do. On vinyl. I listen to bands live and then break their hands so that only I can ever bask in the greatness that was their stereotypical indie sound.
I've always thought the main problem was that I can't be cool because I'm fat. This has generally held up except that via comparison, I was a normal enough weight to be cool when I started thinking this. The jury is still out on that one, I suppose. Probably eating donuts. Rest assured they are doing it very nonchalantly.
Is it the jeans? I know they're not skinny jeans but do you really want to see my junk? I'll show you my junk if that's what it takes. Is my t-shirt not ironic enough? It's the lack of a summer scarf isn't it? I got hot. Surely no scarf is better than sweaty, fat, white man with sad, desperate eyes and a beer in each hand having a seizure/dancing away the pain?
Maybe I can squeak by just by being funny right? Everyone likes a good joke. Especially math and science jokes. Those are the best! Maybe throw in a little Star Wars, mix it up with a Woody Allen reference, hell throw in a little self deprecation for good measure. It's not working. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. More self deprecation. More. Keep going. Oh god they're staring. Wait, is she crying? Tears of laughter? No...that's, yep, pity. Definitely pity. Or as I like to call it, the great aphrodisiac.
I know what the problem is. I'm just cooler than cool. Cool before my time. Cool like an ice cube. Cool like a bad Mr. Freeze pun. Wait.
And now I'm just too old or too pigeonholed to be cool. Some of the people I work with are that hip, cutting edge, arty kind of cool. They wear black turtlenecks, drink red wine, talk of museum exhibits opening and are easily reduced to stereotypes, much like the white man. But in my dress slacks, button up shirt, and no tie cause I'm so laid back, I just can't compete.
Nope. Not cool.
Song suggestions:
Asobi Seksu - I'm Happy But You Don't Like Me
The Wombats - Let's Dance to Joy Division
Moby - When It's Cold I'd Like to Die
Necro - Your Fucking Head Split
Mastodon - Blood and Thunder
Against Me! - Baby, I'm an Anarchist
It should be noted if you listen to these in sequence, your neighbors will think you are having several psychotic breaks as evidenced by the drastic changes in music. If you like more than two of these songs, you are apparently me. I'm going to try to keep up with the song suggestions for each blog post though.
