Heavy is the Cost

I uh, don't know what to write. I thought I did. Words on the tip of my tongue, teetering on the edge preparing to jump to their doom. Or onto the written page. Whichever.

I haven't been sleeping. You'd think that all the extra time might lead to some increased productivity at home. At least on accident. But not so much. Stacks of papers, discarded boxes and grocery bags make of the landscape of what I like to describe as the English countryside for rodents. Although it's probably more like Mexico City. The sights are quite nice but you might get a shoe thrown at you. They're just lucky I have terrible aim. Or maybe not, I'd probably feel bad and nurse them back to health.

Poor little things. God knows I hate living here, must be way worse between the floorboards. Down there with that beating heart. I mean the vital organs of the body I disposed of. Just kidding, god knows you can't fit that in a New York apartment. Stick to car trunks, kids.

Ok, today's songs.

The Smiths - Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want
Stars - Personal
Neutral Milk Hotel - Oh Comely
The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
Ben Folds - You Don't Know Me
The Sounds - Rock'n Roll
Crystal Castles - Not In Love
Plastic Little - The Jumpoff

There's almost a theme today. Minus the last song. That's just a song that needs to be listened to. Mainly for the end. And your worst enemy's momma, gets killed by ninjas, at disneyworld. That's the jumpoff.

Like most children, I was born.

I just always wanted to be cool. My definition for such things has changed drastically over the years, but it doesn't really matter because I fail at it anyway. Everyone I know is just so fucking cool. I tried though. Maybe that's the problem, you can't be cool if you're trying to be cool? I should be cool right? I listen to good music. I listen to it before you do. On vinyl. I listen to bands live and then break their hands so that only I can ever bask in the greatness that was their stereotypical indie sound.

I've always thought the main problem was that I can't be cool because I'm fat. This has generally held up except that via comparison, I was a normal enough weight to be cool when I started thinking this. The jury is still out on that one, I suppose. Probably eating donuts. Rest assured they are doing it very nonchalantly.

Is it the jeans? I know they're not skinny jeans but do you really want to see my junk? I'll show you my junk if that's what it takes. Is my t-shirt not ironic enough? It's the lack of a summer scarf isn't it? I got hot. Surely no scarf is better than sweaty, fat, white man with sad, desperate eyes and a beer in each hand having a seizure/dancing away the pain?

Maybe I can squeak by just by being funny right? Everyone likes a good joke. Especially math and science jokes. Those are the best! Maybe throw in a little Star Wars, mix it up with a Woody Allen reference, hell throw in a little self deprecation for good measure. It's not working. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. More self deprecation. More. Keep going. Oh god they're staring. Wait, is she crying? Tears of laughter? No...that's, yep, pity. Definitely pity. Or as I like to call it, the great aphrodisiac.

I know what the problem is. I'm just cooler than cool. Cool before my time. Cool like an ice cube. Cool like a bad Mr. Freeze pun. Wait.

And now I'm just too old or too pigeonholed to be cool. Some of the people I work with are that hip, cutting edge, arty kind of cool. They wear black turtlenecks, drink red wine, talk of museum exhibits opening and are easily reduced to stereotypes, much like the white man. But in my dress slacks, button up shirt, and no tie cause I'm so laid back, I just can't compete.

Nope. Not cool.

Song suggestions:
Asobi Seksu - I'm Happy But You Don't Like Me
The Wombats - Let's Dance to Joy Division
Moby - When It's Cold I'd Like to Die
Necro - Your Fucking Head Split
Mastodon - Blood and Thunder
Against Me! - Baby, I'm an Anarchist


It should be noted if you listen to these in sequence, your neighbors will think you are having several psychotic breaks as evidenced by the drastic changes in music. If you like more than two of these songs, you are apparently me. I'm going to try to keep up with the song suggestions for each blog post though.